"...And they never ask for a change of underwear"

"BaKardi Slang"

(The Scorpion approaches the Phoenix-X, firing a cascade of powerful torpedoes. They hit and fluctuate the regenerative hull of the Phoenix-X)
Meloneus: Ha! Ha! Ha!! Ha!! ...Now I will have my revenge.

(The Phoenix-X launches its Tri-Focal Array onto the Scorpion, shaking it. The Scorpion returns a dampening pulse up the Tri-Focal beam, dissipating it)
Daniel: Hey!
Seifer: What's going on, Meloneus? Why is your ship so different?
*Meloneus: Ohhh, to vaguely put it, let's just say I had a little upgrade...
(Pause)
Seifer: So you're basically saying you had an upgrade?
*Meloneus: Yeah. That's pretty much it.
*(The Scorpion hovers over starboard)
*Meloneus: --At first it started out as a few racing stripes here and there, but then we decided to just redo the whole ship body.

(The Scorpion takes on minimal damage as the Phoenix-X fires four Quantum Torpedoes at it)
Meloneus: You see, after my stupid nephew exiled me from the Cardassian Government, we decided to have the Scorpion join a more... elaborate, technologically advanced, pirate union. --Ever heard of a group called, the Fragma Alliance...?
*Daniel: Yeah.
Meloneus: Oh, you have?
*Daniel: Yup.
Meloneus: You see, I really would've thought that you hadn't heard of them before.
*Daniel: Well, we have.
Meloneus: Fine. It doesn't matter! I'm going to destroy you anyways!!

(The Scorpion fires three more torpedoes. The Phoenix-X ducks them, swings around, and locks a tractor beam onto the Scorpion)
Seifer: Time to take out the trash...
(The Phoenix-X plants five torpedoes onto the hull of the Scorpion. They explode, making only a few scratches to the Scorpion shell)
Seifer: What the--? That should've worked; I did say, "time to take out the trash".

(The Scorpion shoves its own tractor beam through the Phoenix-X's tractor beam, and grabs onto them. The Scorpion orbits around, dropping the tractor beam and throwing the Phoenix-X away into the distance)
Meloneus: Ha! Ha! Ha!! Ha!! ...I was just remembering this funny joke someone once told me.

(The Phoenix-X stops itself from spinning)
Armond(leans over): Captain, we killed him before with a Slipstream Torpedo.
Daniel: Your point?
Armond: I really thought I just made my point.
Daniel: Oh okay. Load them...

(The Scorpion gets closer until the Phoenix-X moves away launching two Slipstream Torpedoes. The torpedoes hit and explode, creating an intricate subspace crack around the Scorpion)
Meloneus: Nice try.
(The Scorpion's shields illuminate, leaving the ship unharmed)

Red: Captain, what if we use the Silencer?
Daniel: Do it.
(Two small Jumpers are launched from the Shuttle Bay of the Phoenix-X. They soar around to the enemy ship, dragging their melting beams across the Scorpion's hull. There's minimal effect)

Meloneus: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!! Ha!!
Tellus: Were you just remembering a funny joke I once told you?
Meloneus: No, I was laughing at the Phoenix-X.
(The Scorpion fires at the Jumpers, but they dodge the torpedoes and return to the Phoenix-X)

Daniel: Argghh... That Fragma Alliance equipped him well.
(The Phoenix-X rotates around to retreat)
Seifer: I feel no shame.
(A crewmen hands him secret pictures of him naked)
Seifer: Aahh!!
Daniel: Wait! I want to try one more thing.
(Daniel concentrates his omni-X powers towards the Scorpion, creating a sudden flash before it. A retaliation flash knocks Daniel to the floor)
Seifer(helps him up): Are you alright?
Daniel: How did he do that??

(The Scorpion moves in on the Phoenix-X, firing cascades of Tans-Phasic Torpedo Flares)
Meloneus: Make torpedo go now.

(The Phoenix-X ducks and weaves them, speeding away into Transwarp. The Scorpion is left behind)
Daniel: There's no way of beating him!!
Seifer: What are we going to do? He's not going to leave us alone until we're destroyed.

(The Phoenix-X speeds through the Transwarp Conduit. Red, Seifer and Daniel meet with Matt in the Briefing Room)
Matt(hands over a padd): The Scorpion is emitting a thada band radiation that's slowly deteriorating the conduit faster than normal.
Red: We can't run forever.
Seifer(looks around): Why don't we ever use this Briefing Room?
Daniel(looks around): I know; we're usually using the Conference Room for some reason.
Matt: Uhhh... anyways. I have to get moving. Someone is going around taking secret naked pictures of everybody, and I think he got mine.
(Matt leaves as Kugo and Armond enter)
Kugo: We're unable to modify the Transporter to beam through their shields.
Seifer: That's a good idea. We didn't even ask you to try that.
Kugo(shrugs): No, I just said that so you wouldn't bother us to.
Daniel: It doesn't matter. They've reinforced their hull with the power of the omni-X.
Ensign Dan(enters): We're all gonna die!!
(Then he leaves)
Armond: Captain, he's obviously not going to give us an honourable chance. What if we faked our deaths?
Red: That would be impossible. He'd find a way to scan past our Cloak.
Armond: Not if we used the right torpedoes to mask us.
Seifer: Fake the destruction of the Phoenix-X?
Daniel(nods): Meloneus would stop his rein of vengeance towards us. And one of us was partially responsible for his wife's death.
(Shane, partially responsible for Meloneus' wife's death, enters the Briefing Room)
Shane(leaves right away): Uh oh, I came at a bad time.
(Kugo intervenes)
Kugo: Are you people cowards? Faking our deaths isn't the Klingon way!
Armond: But you're not Klingon.
Red: Yeah. I am, and I'm actually for the faking of our deaths.
Kugo: Shut up! Listen; infiltration is the key.
Armond: What are you saying, pointy-eared woman?
Kugo: We can't take the Scorpion out through star wars, so maybe we can take them out from the inside. You know, sniper off each person controlling the ship.
Seifer: Haven't you been listening? We can't beam through their ship. Beaming abilities, none!!
Daniel: What if we negotiate with Meloneus?
Kugo: Yeah, think about it. What does Meloneus hate the most?
Seifer: Macaroni.
Kugo: No.
Red: Changelings.
Kugo: Yeah. If we offer to surrender Shane for our lives, he might accept.
Ensign Dan(enters): Kill the Changelings!!
(Then he leaves)
Daniel: That's a good plan, except I'm not going to send Shane on a suicide mission.

(The Scorpion enters the Transwarp Conduit and catches up. It speeds along, behind the Phoenix-X, firing torpedoes)
Seifer: Hold it!
(He hails the Scorpion, on the Bridge)
*Meloneus: What? I'm kind of busy here trying to destroy you.
Seifer: We have a proposition for you.
*Meloneus: We've done this before and it turned out bad, remember? I demand you to remember!!
Seifer: If you leave us alone, we'll give you what you want.
*Meloneus: I don't want anything except your destruction. Are you going to give me your destruction!?
Seifer: No. We'll give you our Changeling, Shane.
(He shoves Shane in front of him)
Shane: Hi.
Daniel(enters): Excuse me. I did not authorize this.
Shane: Captain, I have to do this. It's the only way to save the ship!
*Meloneus: Well... I am partial to macaroni...
Daniel: No, Shane! He'll kill you for being the one responsible for his wife's death.
Shane: Then it would be justice, wouldn't it?
Daniel: Are you sure you want to do this?
Shane(glances at the screen): ...Yes.
*Meloneus: Hmmm.... I'll be right back.

(The screen clicks off and Meloneus sits on the Bridge of the Scorpion)
Karette: Want me to destroy them now?
Meloneus(holds up his hand): Wait.
Tellus: What is the matter? You've been working so hard to get a ship able enough to kill them for so long!
Meloneus: I know! But if I get that Changeling, I can have my revenge against him. I can talk to him face to face.
Tellus: Why can't you take up that qualified therapist I recommended to you?
Meloneus: Be quiet!!

(Meloneus leaves the Bridge. He makes his way to his living Quarters)
Meloneus: ....
(A holographic communications device in his room suddenly clicks on)
*Skrilax: Meloneus.
Meloneus: Aah!! Don't do that. What if I was changing? I have Cardassian scales in places you don't want to know.
*Skrilax: That's a little too much info.
Meloneus: You'd be surprised at what's scaly on me.
*Skrilax: Stop it! --The Alliance wants to know when you'll be finished whatever it is you are doing.
Meloneus: Soon. I was going to kill this ship I need revenge on, but they offered me something in exchange for their lives.
*Skrilax: That's nice.
Meloneus: I was thinking of taking what they are offering and then destroying their ship anyway.
*Skrilax: No!! The Fragma Alliance does not dishonour promises in lives-exchanging situations. We are very specific about issues of revenge and negotiating.
Meloneus: Really?
*Skrilax: Yes. Sometimes we trade our revenges with each other.
Meloneus: Hmm. Perhaps I could take up their offer. I do want to know the location of the Changeling Homeworld... I could interrogate it off that Changeling!
*Skrilax: Whatever! Now hurry up. If you're with us, you have to stay with us.
(The hologram clicks off)

Armond: We're out.
(The Phoenix-X drops Transwarp and re-enters normal space. The Scorpion drops in right behind them)
*Meloneus: Scorpion to Phoenix-X.
Seifer: So we meet again, Meloneus...
*Meloneus: Duh. I told you I'd be right back.
Seifer: Yeah, I know. I was just clarifying the situation.
Daniel: What's it going to be, Meloneus?
*Meloneus: I accept your offer; the Changeling, for your lives.
Daniel: Not so loud. I'd like the Phoenix-X to have some pride.

(Shane is shoved onto the transporter-pad in Transporter Room 2)
Shane: Hey! I'm agreeing to transporting!
Kayl: Oohhh...
(She shoves Shane onto the transporter-pad anyway)
Kayl(taps her commbadge): We're ready for transport.
**Daniel: Energize.

(Shane is beamed onto the Scorpion. Tellus meets him in the Scorpion Transporter Room)
Tellus: Welcome to the Scorpion.
Shane: You'll excuse me if I don't jump for joy.
Tellus(aims a phaser): No! You'll jump for joy or else...

(Meloneus goes off screen the Bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Daniel(glances over): Are we really just going to leave him there?
Seifer: Yeah. He never really did anything, anyway.
Daniel(nods): Red, take us out of here.
Seifer: Hey! I get to say that. Red, take us outta here.
Red: Aye, sir.
(The Phoenix-X turns around and jumps to Transwarp)

Meloneus: Well your precious Phoenix-X is gone.
(Meloneus shows Shane around the Scorpion)
Shane: They're not really that precious.
Meloneus: I know you're planning to turn on me. There's no denying it.
Shane: No I'm not! I deny everything!! --Besides, what could you do? I'm a Changeling.
(Meloneus presses a button on the wall, activating anti-changeling emitters all over the ship, rendering Shane unable to change shape)
Shane: Okay, I guess you could do that. I mean, if you really wanted to.
(Three Cardassian guards surround Shane; jabbing pain sticks at him. Shane falls to his knees in pain)
Shane: Argh!! I'm in so much pain!
Meloneus: I know. That's why we stabbed you with pain sticks.
Shane: What do you want from me?
Meloneus(leans in): First of all, you killed my wife.
Shane: No I didn't. You got distracted when you were supposed to save her!
Meloneus: Details, details. The point is, you owe me.
Shane: I have a McDonalds gift certificate...?
Meloneus: No!! I want you to tell me the location of the Changeling Homeworld...
Shane(surprised): --In English?
Meloneus: Of course in English!! What other language does every alien in the galaxy speak?
Shane: Well, you see... I've never been to the Homeworld before. I have no idea where it is.
Meloneus: What!?!?
(Pause)
Meloneus: I'm very mad. --Guards, stab him for no reason!!
Shane: Hey!!
(Meloneus leaves as the guards advance on Shane)

Lox: Have you seen the Captain? He's been acting weird ever since Shane left.
(Doctor Lox approaches Seifer in the Phoenix-X's 10-Forward)
Seifer(looks away): That's because our plan is still in motion...
(Pause)
Lox: Well, obviously.

(Shane swings around, hitting one of the Guards across their face)
Ryu(falls): Aarrrhh!!
Shane: Time to sniper...
(The two other Guards jab for Shane, but Shane turns fast away, being missed. He grabs the pain stick of the nearest Guard, pulls the Guard around and then rolls over the Guards' back)
Fayen: Hey!!
(Shane stabs the pain stick the Guard and him are still holding, into the stomach of an oncoming Guard, and then elbows that remaining Guard in the face. Both Guards fall to the floor in pain)
Kreve: Ooff--!!
Shane: No more restraint.
(He twirls the pain stick and stabs it into the control panel in the wall. All the anti-changeling emitters go offline)
Shane(drops the pain stick): Sorry, but I have to go blow up your ship. You understand, right?
Kreve(on the floor): Yeah, we understand. Don't worry about it.

(Shane runs to the Bridge, kicking down the Guard at the entrance)
Meloneus(enters): What is this?
(Shane tucks his head into his stomach, recalling a large amount of omni-X power. Bands of energy flow all around)
Meloneus: You're not Shane!!
(Shane looks up as he changes into his true form, Daniel)
Daniel: Nope. Now you're gonna get it...
(He reaches out his arm, flowing a large amount of energy towards Meloneus. The energy dies away before reaching him and Daniel is knocked to the floor by a sudden flash)
Daniel: Owe! Hey, that was supposed to work.
Meloneus: Fool!! If I was able to stop you from using your powers outside my ship, then why wouldn't I be able to stop you from using your powers inside my ship!?
Daniel: I dunno. I thought it was something in your shields.

(Meloneus calmly shows him into a dark room, where three humble people are sitting, eyes-closed, cross-legged in the centre, under faint spotlights)
<<Hemmmmm....>>
Meloneus: They're meditating; all day and all night.
Daniel: You have omni-X's in your crew?
Meloneus: Yes. They provide me with protection, while I provide them the space to grow.
(They leave the room into the hallway, closing the door)
Daniel: That really puts a wedge in our plans to screw you over.
Meloneus(nods, sympathetically): I know, I know...
(He suddenly has a mood swing)
Meloneus: You lied!! Now your ship will pay!!!

(The Scorpion flips around and jumps to high Warp. The Daniel on the Phoenix-X changes back into Shane)
Shane: Well I guess this means I'm the new Captain.
Red: What are your orders, Captain Shane?
Seifer: He's not the new Captain. I am!
Red: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Armond: Captain, I'm picking up the Scorpion. It's approaching.
Seifer: Excellent; just as we planned.
Armond: Sir, this wasn't part of the plan.
Seifer: Oh... Crap. Anyone have a new plan?
Armond: I do! Pick me! Pick me!
Seifer: Okay, I pick Armond.

(The Scorpion hovers over the Phoenix-X)
Meloneus: Finally! I will have my revenge!! Hahahahaa!!!
Daniel: You won't get away with this!
(He tries shapeshifting, but all the anti-changeling emitters suddenly come back online)
Daniel: Figures.
(Daniel runs and leaps for Meloneus when a tractor beam from the ceiling suddenly snatches him out of thin air and suspends him in position above Meloneus)
Meloneus(turns around): Hey, why don't you hang out for a while?
(He goes back to his control panel and gets it to load a more exotic torpedo set into the Launcher)
Meloneus: You're just in time to witness the most mysterious phenomenon in the galaxy. Death!

(The Scorpion hovers around, firing a collage of Trans-Phasic torpedoes. The Phoenix-X moves up, down, left and right in one area of space, trying to dodge them)
Seifer: Be careful, Red...
Red(at the Helm): What did you think I was going to do?
Armond: Slipstream Torpedoes loaded, Captain.
Seifer(nods): Alright. --Launch them.

(The Phoenix-X suddenly fires two Slipstream Torpedoes at the Scorpion, but all of a sudden they run into a couple oncoming Trans-Phasic Torpedoes. An overwhelming explosion and a deep crack in subspace suddenly occurs near the Phoenix-X. The Scorpion rumbles a little, from the shockwave)
Meloneus(looks on screen): Whoa.
Daniel: No!!
(The brightness of the unusual explosion fades away leaving a rough distortion to normal space, and no signs of the Phoenix-X anywhere)
Daniel: No!!
Meloneus: I'm sorry, Captain. But that's the way things go.
(He disengages the weapon's interface and leaves the Bridge. Daniel is left hanging prisoner to the tractor beam, alone in the dark)

*Skrilax: Meloneus!!
(The view screen clicks on)
Daniel(looks over): Do I look like Meloneus? 'Cause if I do, you better send me to the Ugly planet while their Mr. Universe contest is still on.
*Skrilax: That contest was over days ago. You better get Meloneus while his membership is still good with us.
Daniel(gets an idea): Really? Well, uhh... Meloneus told me to tell you that now that you've upgraded his ship, he doesn't need your stank behind anymore.
*Skrilax: What!? He'll pay for that with his life!!
(The screen clicks off and the room goes dark again)

Meloneus(laughs): Wake up!!
(He cheerfully enters the Bridge)
Daniel(looks over): Hey, the ass Alliance called; they want your hole back.
Meloneus(takes out a padd): Shut up! ...I have to check off the destruction of your ship on my Life's Goals list.
Daniel: Let me guess, it was revenge for when I had your first ship impounded.
Meloneus: Now you're starting to understand. I have two more goals left to pursue... Space bungee jumping, and find the location of the Changeling Homeworld.
(He checks off his list)
Daniel: Those are stupid goals. --You still want that location?
Meloneus: Yeah. You see it all happened a long time ago.....

(Meloneus looks back to his childhood. His Mother drags him along the sidewalks of the one of the busy city streets of Cardassia. It's dark, cold and it's raining)
Lorinna: Come now, Melly. Let's get a move on.
Baby Meloneus: But Mama, I want a wowwy pop!
Lorinna: How can Mama get you a wowwy pop when you never put down that rattle!
(Baby Meloneus looks at his baby rattle)
Baby Meloneus: But I wuve my rattle, Mama.
(They make it to a hover-bus stop where two Changeling men are, shapeshifted as Cardassians)
Yojo: These Cardassian people seem like the kind who would co-operate with the Founder people if we ever wanted to declare war over the Alpha Quadrant.
Kayna: Nah. The female-Changeling would never go for it.
Yojo(points): Hey look, a baby rattle!
Kayna: Interesting. Let's get it!
(The two Changelings shapeshift back into their normal forms and steal Meloneus' baby rattle from him. They run off)
Baby Meloneus(cries in the pouring rain): Waaahhh!!!

(Meloneus sheds a tear from recalling his memories)
Meloneus: Ever since then, I've been trying to find what they stole from me...
Daniel: I'm sorry, Meloneus. I didn't know.
Meloneus(cries): Well now you do! Just leave me alone okay!
(He disengages the tractor beam. A bunch of Guards run in and comfort Meloneus)
Daniel(drops to the floor): Here. This is the location of the freakin' Changeling Homeworld.
(Daniel goes over to a star-chart on one of the screens and points to a tiny spot)
Meloneus(walks over): Here? And all this time I thought it was here.
(He points to a tiny spot right beside the other tiny spot)
Daniel: It used to be. They moved the planet by shapeshifting giant angel wings out the sides of it.
Meloneus(cries): This is all happening so fast-- I have to go there right now!
(He activates the transporter system and beams Daniel out into space. The Scorpion flips around and Warps out of there)

Seifer: There he is.
(The Phoenix-X de-cloaks port to Daniel and beams him onto the Bridge)
Seifer: Are you okay?
Daniel: Yeah. I figured you guys faked your deaths, but I wasn't sure if you succeeded.
Seifer: Neither was I until I opened my eyes.
Armond: We cloaked as soon as the explosion distorted the sensors.
Daniel: So, you decided to go along with your own plan, eh? I'll see that you get a reprimand in your permanent record for this, Armond.
Armond: But, sir; it saved the Phoenix-X and got Meloneus off our backs.
Daniel: But nothing! You have the Bridge, Commander.

(Daniel leaves the Bridge and meets Shane in the Turbolift)
Shane: What about Meloneus? There's still a good chance he'll find out that we're still alive.
Daniel: No, I think he'll be a little too busy to notice that...

(Armond checks long-range sensors)
Armond: Commander, I'm registering the Scorpion. It's leaving the Sector.
Seifer: Finally. I thought I was going to have to sleep with my light on tonight.
Armond(taps at the console): I think it's being chased by the Fragma Alliance. They must've turned against him for some reason.
Seifer: Haha. Stupid Cardi. That means we're in the clear. --Red, takes us away.
(There's no one sitting at the Helm)
Seifer: Hmmm...
Red(enters the Bridge): Sorry, I'm late. I was busy killing the person responsible for taking naked pictures of me.
*Matt: Uhh, Matt to Bridge. There's a little mess on Deck 8 that I think Doctor Lox should take a look at.
(Kayl responds to the emergency as Red takes the Helm. Seifer has a seat at the centre Chair)
Seifer: Whatever. Let's just get back to the usual flying-the-ship-around-all-day thing.
Red: Aye, sir.
(He engages the engines, making the ship go fast. There's a long boring silence on the Bridge, again)
Red: ..........
Seifer: .........
Armond: .........
Seifer: ...........Well at least it's not awkward anymore.
Armond(nods): That's true.
(The Phoenix-X continues to soar through space)

The End