Star Trek: Phoenix-X
"Christmas Special"

(Daniel stands at the bridge of the Phoenix-X modeling his hair like clay. Ensign Dan walks in)
Ensign Dan: Merry Christmas everyone!!
Daniel: No yelling on the bridge. You're relieved.
Gotens(walks in): Merry Christmas everyone!!
Daniel: Ah, Merry Christmas, Commander.
Kayl(turns around from her work station): Hey. How come you never wished us a Merry Christmas, Captian?
Daniel: Get back to your work station!
(Kayl turns around. A Seasons Greetings message appears on her console from the Captian; she smiles warmly)
Gotens: Wow, Captian, you must feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
(Daniel opens up his stomach, revealing hairy insides as a heat eminates from it)
Daniel: Yup.
Ensign Dan: Waitaminute. This is the future. Are we even supposed to be celebrating Christmas?
Armond(up at his workstation): Sure we are. Well, the humans anyway. All the rest of you original aliens are copycats.
Red(turns around from the helm): On my planet, we celebrate Klrwhgmnck. It is very easy to pronounce. Every year, on Klrwhgmnck Eve, Saint Deathmaster-P comes down the killing chimneys of our killing rooms and gives us live pointy eared short white people. And on Klrwhgmnck morning, the family gathers in the killing room to eat the live pointy eared short white people. ....I miss that.
(A tear falls)
Daniel: Ha! That's a crock of guano. The fathers of your house must be the ones setting it up for you.
Gotens: Well I for one believe Red. Santa Clause is real!
(Pause)
Daniel: Who is Santa Clause?
Armond: He's earth's version of Saint Deathmaster-P.
Red: Maybe this person is one in the same. He could be universal!
Daniel: Red, shouldn't you be driving the ship?
Red(pats the control panel without bothering to turn around): Nah, it's all done by computers.

(Suddenly, the nose of the Phoenix-X slams into a large crystalized asteroid. The asteroid shakes and shavings of it flutter away)

Gotens(puts the screen on): Hey! It's snowing!! Isn't that great!
Armond(scratches his butt): Um. The crystal's radiation is giving me a rash.
Daniel: It's Isatonic Crystal! This is so rare in the Federation! When I take this back to Starfleet, I'll definitely get invited to the next Crystals Annonymous Club meeting!
Armond: That club is for well known annonymous members only.
Daniel: I'll finally get the respect I deserve in the Federation! Commander, load all that Isatonic matter into the cargo bay with the yak cheese. Then head straight to Starbase 55, Ultra Transwarp!!
Gotens: But don't we still have a mission to complete?
(Pause)
Daniel: ...Uhhh, oh yeah....Find Voyager.
Gotens: No. The other one.
Daniel(thinks): ...Oh yeah. We have to return these Helenion Refugees back to thier homeplanet.
(He looks over at the ten people, in rags, standing at the corner of the bridge)
Gotens: It's the least we could do since thier enemies are our enemies.
Ensign Dan: Darn that Tree species. --Ya cut down one of thier people for the festive season and they delcare war on everyone.
Daniel: No problem. I can load the Isatonic matter and then get them to thier homeplanet in time for the next Crystals Annonymous Club meeting.

(Gotens stands in the cargo bay, supervising, as all the Crystaline fragments are being loaded on. There are Federation Officers everywhere, helping bringing it in from the open cargo doors)
Daniel(walks in): What's taking so long? Hurry it up!
Gotens: A lot of this radiation is giving people rashes. They have to stop every 5 minutes to scratch thier butts. Won't you stop thinking of yourself?
Daniel: No! Give me your report.
(Gotens hands him the wrong padd)
Daniel: What's this? Santa Clause?
Gotens: Yeah, I've got it all figured out. Santa gets to all the planets of the galaxy by either stopping time or the means of a propulsion that's faster than transwarp.
Daniel: Yeah right. What about those planets that don't have a pure atmosphere? How does he get into them?
Gotens: I haven't figured that out yet.
Daniel(laughs): Use your time for more practical uses like golfing. Now, tell these men to work harder and faster! We have a schedule.
Gotens: But sir, it's Christmas Eve.
Daniel: Baaaa hum-insect! My personal needs are at stake here.

(Twas the night before Klrwhgmnck, and all through the ship,
The night shift was stirring, the Captian had gave them lip.
Suddenly, out from the hull, there arose such a clatter,
Everyone else didn't care, thier butts had rashed of Isatonic matter.)

(In the Commander's Quarters...)
Gotens(sits up in his bed): I knew it! Santa!!

(In the Captian's Quarters...)
Daniel(takes shape and sits up in his bathtub): Stupid mice with the stirring!!

(Daniel and Gotens meet eachother in the turbolift)
Gotens: I bet it was Santa.
Daniel: Santa? How could he possibly get way out here?
Gotens: Oh, he finds a way to reach everyone. He has his own ship, and on every Christmas Eve he gives presents to everyone.
Daniel: Well why didn't he come last Christmas?
Gotens: He did come last Christmas. That's how I got this nifty bow tie.
(Pause)
Daniel(looks at the bow tie): Please take that off.

(They enter the bridge)
Daniel: Report.
Tong: It's the Tree species. Thier ship attacks by flinging tree roots at us. They're asking politely for the Helenions.
Gotens: Puh. They must've caught up to us while we were sitting here collecting stupid Isatonic crystals.
Daniel: --You're relieved!

(On the bridge of the tree species' ship, the tree Captian is about to order another attack, but a fat guy in a red suit beams in and gives him a present)
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
(The tree Captian is confused and looks around at his crew. He shrugs and opens the gift anyway. It's mineral soil. The tree Captian smiles happily and thanks Santa. Santa gives Christmas decorations to the crew)

(On the bridge of the Phoenix-X, Daniel looks over at Tong)
Daniel: Tell them there's no way we're surrendering to a bunch of polite tree huggers.
Gotens: Okay. Do you want me to tell them in tree talk?
Tong: They've stopped all attacks and are turning around and going home.
Daniel: Hah. See? My threats always work; ever since the first episode. Now, everyone, back to bed.
Tong: ...Even me?
Daniel: No.

(Daniel enters his quarters and sees a fat man in a red suit putting a present down)
Daniel: Hey! Who are you!?
(Santa places his finger beside his nose and is suddenly beamed out. Daniel opens his present)
Daniel(smiles): Wow.... a brand spanking new bucket with Dragonball-z charactar art on the outside.
(He runs over to his window and sees Santa's red vessel floating out there)
Daniel(taps his commbadge): Tong, are you detecting another ship?
*Tong: No, sir. But I am detecting a rash on my gludious maximus.
(The red ship suddenly cloaks)
Daniel: ...There goes a great man with the spirit of giving and a heart of caring.... --probably.

(Santa beams onto the bridge of his ship)
Santa: Ho...ho....ho... this job gets so tiring after 4 centuries. Ray, full speed ahead to Flortarious 3.

(Ray, the little elf, is in engineering)
Ray: Sir, the riendeer are tired enough already. Rudolph is getting pudgy and his nose needs more transtream plasma.
(Eight riendeer are running on a convayerbelt in the middle of the room)
*Santa: Do it! Do you want me to send you to the Klingon homeplanet!?
Ray: No, sir. --On Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen's sister, Voxen! On Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen's cousin, Blotzen!

(It's Christmas morning in space. The Phoenix-X approaches the Helenion homeplanet. A couple refugees enter the bridge)
Armond: Ready to beam the refugees home.
A Refugee: Thank you so much. But our planet is so poor and our economy is undeveloping. Our energy sources are dieing out and all we can do is play golf. Our people are dieing a slow death.
Daniel: Wow. Only if I cared...
Gotens: We could kill them all so they wouldn't have to suffer!
Red: No. The Isatonic matter in our cargo bay is a source of energy. We could give that to the Helenions so that they could get thier civilization on a roll again. That way they could...... (sniff) ......spend...... (sob) ......Klrwhgmnck Day with thier..... (deep breath) .....families.... (ache) ....
Daniel(grumbles): Well........... .............. .... ................................. .................... ................ ...... ................. ................... ....
A Refugee: Well what?
Daniel: ..... .... ................................. .................... ................ ...... ........
A Refugee: ...So?
Daniel: ..... ........ ...................... .................... ................ ...... ........ okay.
A Refugee: Thank you! Thank you! ...May God bless us, everyone.
Daniel: Please don't ask me to do that too.
(The refugees beam out, along with the entire amount of Isatonic matter in the cargo bay)
Gotens: We shoulda done gone beamed the bloody Isatonic stuff lastnight.
Red: Well....(tear)....do you want me to set a course for....(snifflepoo)....for the Crystals Annonymus Club...?
Daniel: No. Set a course for the Klingon homeplanet... to meet Red's family...
Red: Word? You mean it!? Alright! My family is gonna be so happy to meet all one thousand of you!
(He changes course with content)
Daniel: So, what did you get for Christmas, Commander?
Gotens: I got a Playstation 64. Everyone else on the ship got cream for their rashes.
Daniel: Oh good.

(And so the Phoenix-X turned around and then transwarped out of sight)
(Santa's subspace message): Merry Christmas to all, and all a goodnight...

[MERRY CHRISTMAS!!]
[the end]

 

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